Finding…Me

By Charina SM

 Part 1

Every End, It’s A Beginning

I will never forget that night. I’ll remember it forever, like it was yesterday. It was the night that changed my life. I already knew that things were going to change; I just didn’t know that they were going to go that way. I was prepared for anything. No matter what came my way, I was ready for it; or at least that’s what I thought. As I was walking to meet with my love, all I could think about was, tonight is the night. After so many tears, what could go wrong? Nothing, I thought. I couldn’t help to feel some nostalgia for the days we spent together sitting on my front porch. Back then, life was good and perfect. But of course, all of that was before my mom intervened. All that happiness occurred before she kicked me out of the house and sent me to live with my aunt, and there I was once again sneaking out of the house with the help of my cousin to go see my love.

Love is the most beautiful thing in the world, but it is also the most dangerous thing in the world. Relationships were a game to me for a long time. I grew up with fear of what my family would do to me if I ever broke their rules. I created my own rules for my personal life. I knew that as long as I followed them my family wasn’t going to find out that I was breaking their rules. The rules were very simple: First, don’t take it too seriously. The less interest you put in a relationship, the less it hurts when you have finished it. Second, they can’t visit you. Third, under no circumstances can you be seen in public. Forth, if someone asks, say you know each other but you aren’t really friends. With Alejandro, things were different.

I don’t know how things changed so fast, nor at what time did I start violating my own rules. Even though I warned him that we weren’t going to have anything serious, I don’t know in what moment he got around rule number two. He used to laugh every time I told him that things weren’t going to be serious.

“I just need a first chance; everything else is up to me,” Is all he’d say, and then he would kiss me with those lips that were becoming my addiction.

After a while, I started to wait desperately for his visits every night. I would come home in the afternoon to clean the porch, put the two chairs outside, and to make lemonade. Everything was ready by the time he got there. We could just be happy there on the porch. I would kiss him in public, and hold his hand when we walked. I was so lost in my perfect love and the happiness I felt that I didn’t see what was coming to me. By the time I realized that I’d gone too far, it was too late.

As I walked down the street, I looked up to the sky and said, “Great, just what I need,” as I rolled my eyes.

The moon was extremely bright, big and round, in all its glory. Maybe some other night I would enjoy it, but not tonight. It was too dangerous, someone could recognize me and run to my family to tell them they saw me walking alone in the middle of the night. I always wished I lived in a town where people minded their own business.

It’s not like I go around worrying about everyone else’s life.

I started walking on the remote and lonely streets trying to avoid the main streets with all the lights. I was walking fast with my head down. I’d probably run but that would off call too much attention. That was the last thing I needed, attention. My heart was racing and the time looked endless to me. Even though I knew it was only going to take me twenty minutes to get to his house, or maybe less if I keep up the speed, it still felt like I was walking for hours. I kept thinking about what I was going to say or do. I knew what I wanted. I wanted him. That was it. There was a solution for this to put an end to all of it. I was waiting for him to say something about it. And that night was the night for it. Moving in with him was a quick solution (in the Dominican Republic after you move in with someone, you are considered husband and wife.) I kept thinking that he was going to say something that night.

When I finally got to his house and I saw that light on, I felt my heart wanting to come out of my chest. I had to stop for a minute just to look at him from the street. There he was waiting for me anxiously walking from one place to another. He was probably telling himself how reckless it was to let me come alone during the night. He was probably thinking that he should off go meet me somewhere close to my aunt’s house, then walk with me here. He was most likely questioning how he let me win that argument.

As I watched him the memory of our reunion the day before drew a smile across my face. I had sent him a note with his brother Carlos to let him know that I was going to be at the public library at 2:30pm.

Love, I’ll have to go to the library today. I want to see you. I’ll have to do some work for my Spanish and history, but I’ll be done fast. I miss you. I got your letter I just didn’t have the time to write you one too. Just go to the library and I’ll see you at the books stack on the novels section. Always yours, BB.

I went home, had some lunch, and took a shower. After I was ready to go; my grandma insisted that my uncle, Juan Miguel, take me to the library. It wasn’t on my plan, but it was nothing I was going to worry about. I’d get rid of him once we got there. I didn’t want to leave any room for suspicion. There were other things I was thinking about. I kept going back to look at myself in the mirror. We didn’t have a chance to see each other very often, so I wanted him to have a nice view. I put on tight blue jeans, a beautiful black push up bra, a light pink t-shirt, white sneakers, and a pair of small earrings that you could barely see. I let my hair fell down on my back just the way he likes it. I went to the bathroom put some mascara on, a touch of light pink lips-gloss. I also put a little bit of perfume behind my ears and in my wrist. I didn’t put too much on; I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I finally grabbed my bag pack and was ready to go.

“You look a little too nice,” my uncle said.

My grandma was on the kitchen with my aunt Cynthia, and they started walking towards us.

“She looks clean, and beautiful. She has to. Do you want her to go out all dirty, so that people start talking about her and us?” my grandma added as she looked at me with approving eyes.

It took us five minutes to get to the library. It was a big, yellow, concrete building in the middle of town. There was only one librarian and she never knew the answer to any of our questions. Judging by the way the books were organized on the shelves, we could also assume that she didn’t know how to do that either. They had a big collection of encyclopedias and dictionaries that were all dated, but could get the job done sometimes. There were no computers, not even on the librarian’s desk. If you needed to used one you had to go to a private Internet cafe.

My favorite part of the library was the novels section. It was mixed with the poems too. They had a fairly decent collection of novels and poems by Hispanic authors. The stacks were in a private room on the back of the building. I think they just thought that no one was going to read these books, so they just abandoned them at the back behind closed doors. I always thought that it troubled her every time she had to get her butt of the chair to go open the door for me. It was like she couldn’t believe that I liked to read. It came to a point when she will just give me the key to the room, and I’ll put it on her desk whenever I was done.

We walked in and as soon as she saw me she smiled, then looked a little surprised to see my uncle there. He took a look around, and his face looked as if he just walked into some foreign country he never been before. As I looked at his face I felt relieved. It was going to be easy to get him out of here.

“Do you want the key to the back room?” she asked. Her face troubled like she was worried about something.

“Not now, I have to get some work done here. I need to use the maps and encyclopedia; it is going to take about two hours. You can open the back room for me then. I’ll be there for a long time too.” I said with a frown on my face, I wanted them to think that I was mad about all the work I had to do.

“Two hours! Are you crazy? I have things to do. How long do you think this is going to take?” My uncle asked. He was clearly mad for having to be here when he could be doing something more productive with his time.

“I don’t know. Four hours, maybe, I’m going to take as long as I need. I don’t see what you are complaining about. I’m the one who has to do all the work,” I said as I walked to a table on the middle of the room. Then I motioned for him to follow me to the stacks.

I took two big social studies encyclopedias, a few atlases, and a big Spanish dictionary. I gave them to him, which made him mad because they were heavy books. We went back to the table I got my notebooks out and started doing my homework. We were quiet for about a minute, then he tried to say something to me but the librarian shush him.

“You are too loud. We aren’t supposed to be talking here.” I said in a low voice without taking my eyes off the encyclopedia.

“You know what? I’m leaving. My wife is waiting for me at home. You do your thing and I’ll come back for you at five thirty. You have about three hours to do what you have to do.” He said as he got off the table. And the librarian was looking at him mad because of the noise.

“Fine, just don’t forget about me. Ok?” I ask looking at the lady at the desk so that he knew I was annoyed by the fact that she was looking at us.

“I’m leaving,” he said to her raising his hands on a surrendering gesture.

After Juan was gone it only took me about twenty-five minutes to finish both of my homework. I still have some maps to draw, but I wasn’t good at drawing so I thought about asking Alejandro to draw them for me. I put the books back where I found them, and then walked to the front desk with my bag pack and the maps encyclopedia.

“Can I have that key now?” I asked while I took a look around. It was already three o’clock and I haven’t seemed Alejandro in, yet.

“You don’t need the key,” she said looking a little ashamed to admit it.

What is she talking about? I knew that I needed the key to open the door from outside. You couldn’t open it without a key.

“What?” I asked confusion very clear on my face.

Now she looked like I was making her do something very uncomfortable. It was like explaining was the one thing she didn’t want to have to do, and here I was making her do it.

“There is someone already waiting for you in there,” she said looking at the floor avoiding my gaze.

“Alejandro,” I whispered relief in my voice.

She just nodded her head. I smile widely at her and she just kept avoiding my gaze. I never saw him come in, so I guess he was already here when we arrived.

I hurried to the back room.

He had a piece of wood in the door to hold it open. I kicked the wood inside and closed the door behind me. He was sitting on a chair on the back of the room, far from the door with his back towards me. I knew that he knew I was there. I just walked straight towards him, and kissed him on the neck. I stated there for a second trying to get the smell of his skin inside my lungs. He got up and took a long look at me. I smiled; he always loved when I smile.

“You look gorgeous,” he said, on a way that made me blush. I bit my lips and looked at him. I could feel the fire in my cheeks.

“Good, I was thinking of you when I was getting ready,” I said as he walked towards me and wrapped his hands around my hips. “In fact, I was thinking of you before I put my clothes on; then I didn’t want to put anything on.” Now the fire was not only on my face but also all over my body.

Before I knew it he was holding me very tight close to him. I could feel every movement of his skin. My legs were climbing to his hips, as he held me up. He kissed me in a way that was more than just passion. It was need. I was already on top of the table and I could feel the mixture of butterflies, fire, and adrenaline in my blood. I bit his lips, his ears, and his neck. I could feel his tong escaping from my mouth, sliding to my neck and dawn to my chest. He stopped for a second then went back to my lips and kissed me.

“I’d miss you too much. I need you,” he said while he hugged me tight.

“I need you too. I’d been to hell and back without you. I don’t know how to live without you.”

“You have no idea how happy I was when I got your note. It brought me back to life again.” Then he kissed me again.

Five minutes later we were sitting on the floor. He had his back to the wall and I was lying on the floor with my head on his legs. He was playing with my hair and my face. It was nice to be like that, it was nice to feel his touch. We haven’t been together in months.

“How are you? How are they treating you?” he asked with concern in his face.

“Everything is good.”

“Are you sure?”

“I miss you a lot and I feel like I’m in a prison, but I’m fine.”

“I miss you too. I wish I can make things better somehow.”

“We’ll think of something.”

“It is not fair for you to be in this situation. As you said, you are in a prison and it is all because of me.”

“It is not because of you, and I don’t want to talk about it.” I said with pleading eyes.

“Your wish my command.”

“I want to see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes, my family is going out of town and my cousins and I are staying at home. They’ll go for a long time. I can come to your house at about eight o’clock.” I could tell that he liked the idea of us being together at his house.

“Where do I pick you up?”

“I’ll come to your house on my own.”

“That is not going to happen. It is too dangerous for a girl to be walking alone in the middle of the night.” He looked at me as if there was no question that he wasn’t going to change his mind. “I will not allow it.”

“It will be worse if someone sees us together. I’ll be careful, I promise, but you can’t come for me.”

“What if something happen to you?” he said with concern in his voice and his eyes.

I pulled myself up, kissed him, and then I went back to looking at him on the eyes as I said, “I’ll be fine. Show me that you trust me and let me do this my way. We have to.” He hugged me tight and I knew that it was a yes.

For a while we talk about his job and everyday things. He drew my maps and we kissed for a long time and laugh about stupid things. It was good to be able to laugh, I felt like a child again. I felt like I was back on the days when life was perfect and we didn’t have to worry about anything.

Yes, I was happy with him. And here I was once again, just a few steps away from him. I wasn’t breathing, and I had to remind myself to keep walking towards him. Once he saw me he hurried to the door to open it for me. He took me in his arms and kissed me with such a passion that I couldn’t feel my body anymore. It was natural for me to breathe when I was in his arms, and I felt at peace, I didn’t have to worry about anything anymore because he was there.

He hugged me and said, “Why did you take so long?” as he bit my ear gently. Then his lips traced my neck.

“The streets got longer today,” was all I could manage to say.

We both laughed. He carried me into the house and closed the door behind us. When he put me on the floor, I tried to trace his lips with the tip of my fingers, but he bit them in a playful way.

“We need to talk,” he said on a serious way. In a way that he only used when he was doing something very important, too important.

“We both know what our options are, and I’m sure we both had been thinking about them.”

There it was, the moment I was waiting for. The one moment that was going to change my life. I was happier now that things were going to be the way I wanted them. However, I wasn’t expecting what came out of his mouth.

“We are not going to move in together.” He said looking at my eyes as they filled with tears. “I love you,” he said. “I can’t allow you to walk out of the back door. You deserved much more than that. You deserve to go out the front door with your head held high. There is no shame in being in love.” His eyes had tears too.

“Do you know?” I asked. Mad as ever I repeated, “Do you know? She is taking me to the United States.” I said loudly, but I didn’t care anymore if I was yelling or not.

“That is an opportunity for you. I’ll never forgive myself if I take that from you.” He said as he tried to hug me, but I pull away from him.

“You don’t love me anymore.”

“I need more love to let you go than to keep you here.”

I saw that he had already made up his mind, and if there was something I knew about that man, was that no matter what happened nothing could make him change his mind.

“I hate her.”

And it was true; I hated her so much for taking everything I love, for making my life miserable, and for enjoying what she was doing to me.

“Don’t say that, she is your mother.” He said trying to stop me before I said something I’d regret later.

“I don’t think she cares about that, why should I care? She obviously hates me too.”

“She doesn’t hate you; she loves you in her own way. She just doesn’t want you to make mistakes.” At that point, I hated her more because now I was arguing with him because of her.

“You have to understand me, I’m sure you’ll do the same for me.” He was right, and I couldn’t argue that one.

“I love you.” I said and kissed him.

“I need you to listen to me very carefully. I love you. I know I’m not the most educated man. I know I’m not perfect. I know I made many mistakes…” He lifted my chin with his finger and held my gaze. “But I love you, and I will always put your well-being above all. I refuse to cut your wins.” Then he kissed me again.

There was nothing more to talk about the decision had been made. My whole world was collapsing under my feet and there was nothing I could do about it. My worst nightmare was coming to life and this time I wasn’t going wake up. Pain, sadness, rage, and anger took over my body. But I couldn’t waste any time; I had the need to hold on to him somehow.

I'll have be plenty of time to cry later.

I stopped sobbing and kissed him. I bit his lips and ran my hand throughout his body. I took his t-shirt off and then stop for a second to look at his body. I kissed his lips, his neck, and then dawn to his chest. I was on fire. I needed him and I could tell that he needed me too. I wanted to take my shoes off but they got stock. He dropped to his knees and took then off my feet as I took my blouse off. He came back slowly tracing my legs with his tongue. He did that until he got all the way up to my lips again, and then he carried me into the bedroom. We made love like it was the first, and the last time we would ever do it.

He insisted on walking me at least to the corner of the house, claiming that he’d have a heart attack if he didn’t do it. I wasn’t about to argue with him. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him. We stop a few houses away and I kissed him and say good-bye. I didn’t look back as I walk; I wanted to hold it together for as long as I could. I knew that if I turned around I was going to lose it. Our fate was decided. I walked in and I saw my aunt in the living room waiting for me. She probably had a whole speech prepared for me, but when she saw my face she didn’t say a thing.

So, I do look as bad as I feel.

I took a shower and then went to the bedroom I share with my cousin Yumi.

“You were gone far too long. I was afraid you weren’t going to come back,” my cousin said to me, as she climbed into my bed.

I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. Tears started to come out of my eyes, and I couldn’t hold it anymore. I screamed. From the top of my lungs a painful screamed came out. My aunt heard it, so she ran to the room where she found me. My cousin had her hands wrapped around me as I cried. I don’t know when I fell asleep. I don’t know when I stopped crying.

The weeks that came after that night I was just a ghost that lingered inside the house trapped in her own limbo. I never saw him again I couldn’t bring myself to it. He wrote to me every day and I answered his letter, but I knew that I wasn’t me anymore. He knew that too.

A month later I took a plane and moved to the United States with all my love letters and every memory of the time we had spent together.

If you liked this beginning, I’ll have Part 2 next Friday. Tell your friends about it. :D